ADHD from an NLP Perspective

ADHD- An NLP Perspective

In this blog post, I'd like to share an article written by the late Dr. Don Blackerby, who I consider a master in the application of NLP to ADHD and learning issues. I still use his training today with my clients.  Enjoy this classic....

Attention Deficit Disorder A NLP PERSPECTIVE Imagine you are watching a multiple slide show. The kind where 3 to 5 slide projectors are set up to flash images on a screen while a narrative is being spoken. Now imagine that you are asked to report, either verbally or written, on what you are seeing WHILE you are watching it. Frustrating? That's an understatement. And that's exactly how the "Attention Deficit Disorder" (ADD) student feels. Now, to make it even more challenging, imagine the tempo of the slide presentation begins to quicken, faster and faster. Yet you're still trying to report on what you're seeing. And, for the final blow to your sanity, imagine the slides start to flash simultaneously AND your physical and emotional well being depends upon the accuracy of your report. What kind of emotions or feelings do you think you might experience? Anger? Overwhelmed? Tense? Uptight? Disoriented? Confused? Well, welcome to the world of the ADD / ADHD child. The Symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD / ADHD) Attention Deficit Disorder is a condition that some individuals (children and adults) experience which manifest itself through numerous behavioral symptoms. The major behavioral symptoms include one or more of the following: • Hyperactivity - They can't stay still. They are constantly moving and fidgeting. They are under chairs or tables or climbing over furniture. • Impulsiveness - They move or change directions too quickly. They will be doing one thing and then suddenly start doing something else. They "act before they think!" • Distractibility - They can't stay focused on one thought or task. They will be doing a task and the smallest noise or event interrupts them. • Lack of organization - They cannot do the more complex tasks which requires them to organize the larger task into a series of steps. Somebody has to tell or show them how to do each step. • Forgetfulness - They forget instructions. They forget to do things or tasks they have been told to do. They will start to do something and forget what they were supposed to do. • Procrastination - They have trouble starting and completing tasks or assignments. And, they are constantly putting off doing things. They can't seem to "get started." Often these behaviors surface in school, frustrating both the teachers and the other students. An ADD / ADHD child can be extremely disruptive in a classroom situation. The current widespread, accepted treatment is medication. Although, for some it may be the only treatment, there are those parents and professionals who question the advisability of putting a child on a drug like Ritalin. Alternative treatments are being researched and one currently being investigated by this author is the use of Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP). Research using NLP is based on the assumption that it is the individual's internal experience that is causing his or her difficult behaviors. NLP modeling processes have been used to determine the structure of the internal experience. Research is currently underway on ways to alter that internal experience with the use of various NLP techniques and processes, thereby bypassing the need for unwanted drugs. This is a report on that research The Internal Experience of the ADD / ADHD First, let's look at what we have found as to the ADD's internal experience. Some of the most important internal factors that interact to influence the behavior of the ADD / ADHD are: • They perceive multiple internal images. • These images are moving rapidly. • The images are often occurring simultaneously • There is a strong kinesthetic (body and/or emotional) response to the images. • They feel they can't control any of the above factors. Some of the more common responses of ADDers to this internal experience which they feel is chaotic are: a. They either try to physically respond to everything in their internal experience (e.g., the tempo of the images) or they get frustrated and simply give up even trying. The final result is a person that is either hyperactive or apathetic and passive. b. They feel they are out of control and will go to great lengths to manage their internal experience. The result is they spend an inordinate amount of time and energy trying to slow things down and/or organize their external or internal experience so that life is manageable. c. They are often terrified at their lack of control and its consequences in their family, school or workplace. Much of the time they have a feeling of being totally overwhelmed. d. They suffer from fear of rejection and abandonment because they feel and believe they are "different" or "weird." The feedback they receive from peers, parents and teachers often confirms these fears. e. Their level of hyperactivity and the intensity of their emotional responses seems to be dependent on the early standards their family used to judge and enforce their behavior. In other words, the stricter and more punitive the parents, the more hyperactive the child. Later on, this learned response is transferred to teachers and peers as well. Why Do They Act That Way? Why do ADDers have the behavioral symptoms described previously? How can the internal experience just described create these symptoms? Let's consider some of them. Hyperactivity: If you had multiple images flashing fast and simultaneously in your head and you had a demand from a parent or teacher to "act right," or "behave", what do you think you would do? Many ADD / ADHD individuals respond by trying to control the internal pictures. And, since ADDers are typically very physical in nature, these fast-moving internal pictures generate an abundance of nervous energy. The ADDer relieves the tension by MOVING. Impulsiveness: This goes hand-in-hand with the hyperactive behavior. Because the ADDer is trying to physically react to their internal experience as quickly as possible, they often respond by "doing it" before they consciously realize that the degree of their response isn't necessary. This uncontrollable nature of this phenomena is similar to a compulsive behavior in the rest of us. The ADDer's compulsion simply moves faster and changes quicker. Distractibility: Often the impulsive child described above is also labeled as distractible because he or she can't stay focused on one task. Their mind is often pulled off the task at hand by an idea that carries more kinesthetic weight to them. A prime example of this might be when they hear an unexpected noise in the classroom. They will immediately make a internal image of the possible cause and HAVE to check it out by looking. Depending upon the nature of the distraction and the importance it carries internally for them, it may be extremely difficult for them to get re-focused. Keep in mind that the ADDer is experiencing a multitude of pictures moving quickly through their head. Trying to keep up with 10 to 15 different images and trying to select appropriate responses to each would make most of us oversensitive to extra stimuli. Lack of Organization: To be organized a person must be able to visualize a total project and prioritize the specific steps needed to accomplish the finished project. This requires an ability to stabilize several internal pictures simultaneously. The ADDer has trouble doing this because the pictures are moving too rapidly. Most ADDers have not yet learned how to take a general idea and break it down into its component parts while still retaining the general idea. Nor do they take many specific points and generalize the pattern they are observing. In a given moment, they seem to be either general or specific. For example, if a typical student (non ADD) has a science project, he or she knows the overall purpose of the project, and the steps it will take to accomplish the project. They will be able to sequence the steps in order to efficiently accomplish the task. They will also be able to track the steps and the amount of time it will take to accomplish all of this. An ADDer experiences great difficulty in doing this. Forgetfulness: Remembering requires a clean, neurological connection between the external cue which tells you when it is time to do something and the internal experience which tells you what to do. With all of the internal images the ADDer is experiencing, it is difficult for them to establish that clean connection. Also, the thing to be remembered must carry significant kinesthetic weight for the ADDer or it will be overwhelmed by all the other images and forgotten. Procrastination: Often what is labeled procrastination is often inaction. The inaction results from an inability to make a definite and final decision that the ADDer can act on comfortably. This inaction is a natural result of being unable to process the rapidly changing, excess of information in their mind. Some Tips for Parents and Teachers Research using NLP is still ongoing regarding precise ways to teach the ADDer how to manage his or her mind or internal experience. The NLP interventions which have been attempted show great promise. A greater base of research needs to be done before that report can be made. There are, however, some simple things the parent or teacher can do to help alleviate the situation or at least not make it worse. 1. Look for the positive intention in the ADDer. They are doing the very best they know how to do. Accept and appreciate them as a very unique person who is just a simple step or two away from being a genius. They are just having a hard time fitting in with the system--both educational and family. The biggest obstacle to overcome for an ADDer is that they are labeled "stupid, weird, or different" as though something is wrong with them. 2. Being verbal or auditory is the least important communication channel to the ADDer. They live in the world of fast moving internal images and the emotional and physical response to those images. Words are very slow and difficult to process for the them and cannot possibly stay up with the images. If you have to give instructions to an ADD, have them overlap the words into internal action pictures and have them FEEL their body doing it. For example, if you want them to carry out the trash and then do their homework, have them SEE and FEEL themselves taking out the trash and then sitting down and opening their school book. 3. In school, make sure they visually learn. They need to make pictures of such academic tasks as learning spelling words, the meaning of vocabulary words, and their math facts. In fact, make sure they visualize any data they are required to memorize. One of the ways to make sure they are visualizing is to have them recite the material backwards (from right to left) or out of the natural order off of their internal image. They can smoothly do this only if they have a good internal picture. Also, when they read they should overlap the words into internal images of the meaning of the reading material. 4. The lesson to be learned or the task to be done MUST have strong kinesthetic importance to the ADDer. They can do this sometimes by getting their physical body involved. For tasks that are more "academic" such as lectures, math facts, spelling words, etc, they can do this by attaching the task or lesson to their own highly valued criteria. In other words, the lesson must connect to something VERY IMPORTANT TO THEM. Then and only then will they be able to stay focused. Summary Most ADDers are very intelligent. In fact, the very qualities of their internal experiences that are causing them the most trouble are qualities often found in creative problem-solvers. Most non-ADD children and adults who experience these same multiple pictures in their minds, have an ability to control their internal experience. By contrast, the ADD / ADHD child or adult is controlled by their internal experience. The obvious solution is to teach the ADDer how to control their internal experience so they can be more effective. There are ways to do this utilizing various interventions and processes of NLP. These processes include teaching the ADD / ADHD child how to control the number and speed of the internal images. This approach seems to work quite easily and quickly. Most of the general population, as well as the ADDer, never think of doing things differently with their mind because most of the internal processing is out of conscious awareness. They don't realize there may be a better way, so they keep doing what they know to do. In most cases, all that is needed is some guidance in how to do it differently AND in a way that works really well. The beauty of Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) is that it offers the very set of skills which will allow us to interface with the ADD at that level.

A Wider View of Learning

In working with people in my practice, Ease of Learning, the clients are often dealing with issues associated with academics.  When we hear the word "learning", indeed, that is the most common association.  Even in that context, however, there is often a fairly limited view.  Learning is seen as a way of memorizing facts and information, not much more. Or if it is more, is still is looking at the input of information, and then the ability to regurgitate that information back in the form of exams or essays.  

Learning, however, has MUCH wider implications, even in the arena of personal change.  After all, we are learning all the time. You don't have to be sitting in a classroom to engage in this process. That word is a crucial key, by the way. PROCESS.  Learning is an INTERNAL PROCESS.  Going back to academics for a moment, when we say someone is either good or bad in Math, what does that mean? Given two students, who both have fully functional brains, why is one "good" at it, and the other "bad"?  Simply, foundationally, it is a matter of the INTERNAL PROCESS.  One uses an effective internal strategy, the other does not.  However, the other can learn to model that same process.  That doesn't happen often with tutoring, that is too superficial.  It can be done, though, in fact, I have done it with students. 

So, expanding on that, what does it mean when someone is "good" at, say sales, and the other is "bad"?  Again, just as in the previous example, both have functional brains. So it HAS to be that the INTERNAL PROCESS is different. One has LEARNED how to maximize their skills, the other either hasn't, OR they have LEARNED to cut their connection with their skills short.  Are you starting to see the much wider view of learning?  This applies to confidence, behaviors, literally anything.

Sad or depressed? Assuming an absence of any organic issue, this is a LEARNED behavior. From your experiences, you have this learning.  See how it works?  You can be free by UN-LEARNING this, by changing the root references that you learned it from, in how those references have been INTERNALLY PROCESSED.  

Helping people in the arena of learning, for me, has much more far reaching implications than just in the academic forum.  You CAN learn how to be confident, you CAN learn to perform better on the job or in your business, you CAN unlearn what may be keeping you stuck.  It's all mind-blowing in its implication.

So how do you do this? The technologies of change in NLP and EFT are two of the most elegant, effective and rapid ways I know of doing it.  The mind is actually wired for RAPID change and learning, and these two technologies fit the bill perfectly.  

Want to know more? Feel free to contact me.  Until next time....

A Brief View of the NLP Meta-Model and ADHD

In NLP, there is a presupposition that says, "The map is not the territory."  This means that a person's view of reality isn't the totality of that reality. For example, the above map is of the world, but it is just a representation, it isn't actually THE world. Everyone has their unique map of not only their world, but various aspects of their life.

Those with ADHD can often have MULTIPLE maps for a particular aspect, and also juggle many maps of various aspects at the same time in their minds.  

Now, with this foundation laid out, let's explore language.  When someone says something, NLP evaluates it using something called the Meta-Model.  The Meta-Model is a framework used to evaluate what a person says in terms of surface meaning (often "fluff" language) and deep meaning (what their map actually is). The Meta-Model is broken into three main areas, Generalization, Distortions, and Deletions.  These have various layers to explore as well. Going deeper into this is for another blog post.

So, what does all of this have to do with someone with ADHD?  Well, it can be VERY useful to help get to the deeper structures, and gain a better understanding of their map. THAT is very powerful.

For example, let's say someone with ADHD says, "I can't organize my work." (organizational issues are often a manifestation of ADHD symptoms).  Some may think to ask, "What work?" or "What do you mean by organize?"   A better question would be, "Is it only work you have trouble organizing?"  Why ask this?  Who knows, maybe it IS restricted just to work, yet he/she has the neatest, most organized desk or drawers on the planet.  If it is just work, then their map starts to be revealed.  Then you can start to look at what they believe about organizing things at work, is it only particular projects, etc.  What is happening in mind to exhibit the ADHD symptoms in this circumstance?  It goes on from there.  

Once you begin to get a clear representation of their map, (their internal processes), and you get down to specifics, you can then utilize such technologies as EFT or more NLP to help guide them to re-arrange their map so they can accomplish what they wish.  In the end, it's all about giving people with ADHD the capability to control their experience of ADHD, so they may better use its gifts, while controlling those aspects that arent so useful, depending on the circumstance.  

A Stress-Creating Voice

     Stress, whether regarding academics or with personal issues, can very quickly get to the point of shutting us down.  Most of the ways we are told to deal with stress usually come into play when we are already stressed.  At that point, it is much more difficult.  Even using such effective techniques as EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique, there has to be a wise use of it.

     One aspect I have come to realize, in working with clients, as well as myself, is there is often an overlooked trigger that gets the stress train moving. That is, the internal voice, asking the crippling questions that start with, "What if....?"

     "What if something happens and I can't handle it?"  "What if there is something on this test that I dont know?  "What if I fail this test again?"  And so it goes. The problem with such internal questions is, the mind is wired to find an answer to the question. Usually, the answer is to start the stress program running. Before you know it, there is an abundance of worst case scenario answers poring into mind.

     A great solution, then, is to use EFT to tap on those very questions.  By doing so, many times the root cause of the questioning comes to mind.  It may have been a time a student was embarrassed about failing a test, or severely disciplined at home for doing so.  Maybe it was a time when something happened that the person wasn't prepared for, and the result wasn't the best.  Whatever it may be, by tapping on the "what if..?" questions will more often than not start to bring these unconscious connections to the light of consciousness.  Of course, once the aspects DO come to mind, then you will need to tap on those as well.

     The next time there is an upcoming event that is stressing you out, try to listen in to that internal voice, and listen for which "what if...?" question you are asking yourself, and start tapping!

Until next time....

Sharing Some Classic Material!

I had the good fortune to train with the late Dr. Don Blackerby, who created the "Rediscover the Joy of Learning" system.  It's an honor to continue his work, and I would love to share some of it here. This is an article of his, a true classic.  Enjoy!

BUILDING SELF-ESTEEM By  Don A. Blackerby, Ph.D.

Introduction These are examples of actual quotes I have heard in my office and in my observance of life: A parent said this to me in my office in front of their child who they wanted me to work with “He’s not doing his schoolwork and his grades are suffering! He is just plain lazy and has a bad attitude! If he doesn’t straighten up, he is not going to amount to anything!” Coach to a five year old soccer player “David you dummy!! I told you to kick it with your left foot. You’re using your right foot! Can’t you do anything right?” Parent to a child “We got another notice from school today that you are not doing your assignments! Why can’t you be like your sister? She always does everything right! She is such a perfect daughter!” Father to a fifth grade daughter after receiving her report card of 5 As and one B “You made another B!! You are not going to be able to get a good job if you don’t buckle down! I am so disappointed in you. You will probably end up on welfare or I will have to support you all your life.” Parent to son after overhearing him tell another student how well he did on a test “I heard you bragging to Tim about the grade you made on your math test. I don’t want you singing your own praises and telling everybody how good you are. You are supposed to do math good. I am a math teacher and I taught you everything! It is not about you being good.” I don’t think the typical person knows the devastating effect comments like the above can have on the self-esteem of a child (or an adult for that matter). I am sure parents, coaches or teachers have positive intention when they do this. They are probably trying to help the child be better, but the effect is not what they want. Over the years that I have worked with students and families, I have noticed several ways that self-esteem can be torn down. They are as follows: Ways to Tear Down Self-esteem A. Dwell on or even distort negative attributes or behaviors. Call them clumsy when they spill something, or make negative comments about their looks or grades. Really elaborate and make sure they feel bad about it. B. Do not pay any attention to positive behaviors or attributes. If they bring a report card home with two As and two Cs, totally chew them out for the Cs and don’t even mention the As. C. Turn mistakes into personal failures on their part. Mistakes can be easily corrected; failures go right to the identity and self-esteem. If they make a bad grade or do poorly on a recital, the comment “If you don’t do better, you will never amount to anything” can really hurt deeply for a long time. So, a bad grade means they are lazy or not making their bed means they are irresponsible. D. Point out another person’s positive qualities and their lack of the same. “Why can’t you be an A student like your sister.” E. Don’t allow them to do anything or to take responsibility and/or credit for their positive progress or achievements. Accuse them of bragging if they try to and chew them out for bragging. How to Build Self-esteem When I work with students using my “Rediscover the Joy of Learning” processes, I sometimes have to repair severely damaged self-images and self-esteems. Since so many of the students of the world today have never been taught HOW to learn and HOW to do the myriad academic tasks which the schools assign to them, they sometimes do not do the tasks very well and their grades suffer. So does their self-image and self-esteem. They tend to take it very personally and assume that something is wrong with them because they cannot do the tasks. So, even after I teach them how to learn, I still need ways to re-build their self-esteem. This article is about the ways that I developed to do just that. The techniques and processes do not have to be confined to students; however, they will apply to individuals of all ages and all levels in all environments. First some definitions—my dictionary defines self-esteem as “belief in oneself; self-respect.” It defines self-image as “an individual’s conception of himself and his own identity, abilities, worth, etc.” The dictionary also defines self-concept as the same as self-image. So, the distinction is very fine. I probably use self-esteem as the summation at the identity/belief level of all the self-images an individual has about various aspects of him or her self. In my opinion, our self-esteem and self-image comes from getting an answer to the two questions “What kind of person am I?” and, “What evidence do I have to support it?” The evidence is what we sense in the world around us. It is what we see, hear, feel, smell and taste about ourselves. We then assign meaning to the evidence in the form of attributes, qualities or characteristics. The sum of these make up our self-image. The meaning we assign to the summation is our self-esteem. Different individuals will assign different attributes to the same evidence. So, it is all about perception. The nice thing about perception, especially for those of us who practice Neuro-Linguistic Programming or NLP, is that it can be changed and formed. The simplest way to positively affect self-esteem is to notice when an individual does something very well. You then think of an attribute of which the behavior is an example. When you have one that you want to use, you say the following to the individual: “That behavior lets me know that you are a (say attribute) kind of person.” So, for example, let’s suppose that your child studied really hard for a test and made 100%. The attribute could be chosen from many—hard working, bright, smart, good student, etc. Let’s use hard working. The statement would be: “That 100% on that test lets me know that you are a hard working young man. Keep up the good work!” The structure of the process and language is as follows: 1) you are deliberately connecting the attribute of your choice to evidence that the individual cannot dispute, and 2) you are attaching your own credibility to the connection. If you will continue to elaborate on the connection and talk about the importance of the attribute, it will build the self-esteem even more. Be careful, however, to not go overboard and be too effusive or the individual could be turned off. Obviously, if you don’t have any credibility with the individual, then it will not work. One of the creative ways for parents to use this is to think of the kind of son or daughter they want to parent. Think in terms of the attributes you want them to embody. Then notice when they do something to which those attributes can be connected and deliver the statement. The behaviors can be minor or major. They can also be behaviors that they DO NOT engage in. For example, “I have noticed Chris that you do not do drugs even though they are available to you. That lets me know that you are growing up to be very responsible for your own behaviors and health and that you are not just going along with the crowd. I am very proud of the way you make these responsible decisions.” Don’t wait for major behaviors before you do this process. It has power because of it’s precision. In fact, sometimes the minor behaviors have more effect because the individual has discounted them. When you make the connection, you are alerting them to something they had not thought off and that always has a surprise effect that adds to the emotional response. This is especially true for the individuals that aren’t the stars—the home run hitters and/or the straight A students. With the students with learning disabilities or other deficiencies this can have a very powerful effect, because they rarely get positive feedback. For example, I once had a teacher give me this report: “I had a student with Downs Syndrome one time and decided to use this process on him. After thinking about him for a while, it dawned on me that he always came into my classroom with a big smile on his face and would immediately come over to me and give me a big hug. The next time he came in and did that, I said to him “You know Doug, I have noticed that you always come in with a big smile and give me a hug. That lets me know that you are a very happy and loving person and I really appreciate that about you. You are very special to me.” The teacher reported that Doug puffed out his chest and never quit smiling for the rest of the class. And, every time he saw her in the future he would smile and give her the hug with the realization that he was special to her.” If you have trouble noticing when they do something naturally that will allow you to make the statement, create something for them to do and when they do it successfully, make the statement. For example, I do this during my first visit with a new student. In the course of my assessment, I have them spell words backwards (from right to left). They usually have not tried this before and it is new to them. When they are successful at it, I will make a comment like “That lets me know that there is nothing wrong with your brain. I can make you a star student by teaching you to do things with your mind. I can help you be the kind of student you have always wanted to be.” Another nice thing about this process is it’s lasting effect. You don’t have to worry about doing it over and over again. It tends to go straight to the heart and soul of the person and sticks with them over time. The reason—you are creating a “personally compelling reference experience” for them. The properties of a personally compelling reference experience are as follows: Properties of a Personally Compelling Reference Experience A. It relates to their concept of self. B. It is given in the appropriate representational system. C. It is given by an external reference with credibility. D. It has intensity. E. It is a surprise or a mismatch of the way they had thought about it before—sometimes called a paradigm shift. It relates to their concept of self. Obviously this point is there. You are deliberately making this connection when you say, “That 100% on that test lets me know that you are a hardworking young man.” Looking at it through the logical levels, you are communicating to at least the Identity Level and you can, in the elaboration, raise it to the Spiritual/Greater System Level. This would make it even more compelling. An example of elaboration on the last example would be: “Your mother, grandparents and even the teachers in your school have commented before about how hardworking you are. They really seem to appreciate that about you and tell me that it is a trait that will serve you well in the future.” It is given in the appropriate representational system. Since you are connecting the attribute to a full sensory experience that they have just had, they have it represented in all representational systems. They cannot deny that it did not occur if you are giving them instant and specific feedback. It is given by an external reference with credibility. You are the external reference and hopefully you have credibility. If in the moment, you think you do not have credibility, wait until you get it and the timing is right. It is too powerful an opportunity to lose. An example might be if they are upset or angry about something else. Wait until they calm down. It has intensity. Intensity or emotional response is what makes it compelling enough to last. You can build intensity in any or all of four ways: 1. Frequency—if you don’t make another 100% on a test, for example, then the original experience loses its intensity. 2. Repetition—the more they repeat something over time, the better it will drop into long-term memory. 3. Duration—the longer the moment or elaboration, the more the intensity. If it is a fleeting comment, it doesn’t have as much of a chance to last. That is why the elaboration is so important.  4. Strength—the more robust the emotional response, the more intense it will be. This is how a phobia works and is an example of a one time learning experience. It is a surprise or a mismatch of the way they had thought about it before. This is the easiest way to build intensity. The more of a surprise it is, the more it will shock them and make it compelling. You will get the classic response of “Wow—I have never thought of it THAT way before.” As stated previously, the easiest way to build self-esteem is when the individual does something good or positive. But, what do we do if somebody behaves poorly? Also, if somebody has already had a negative attribute attached to a behavior. Is there a way to disconnect the negative and connect a positive attribute? The answer to both questions is yes. Attribute Behavior Intention The diagram above will give a more visual manner to demonstrate what we have been doing. When the behavior is good, we simply connect the positive attribute to the good behavior by using the statement. If, however, the behavior is not good, we find the positive intention behind the behavior and attach the positive attribute to the positive intention. So, for example, when my son was still in high school, we had an agreement that he would come in on time on the nights that he was out with his friends. Or, if he couldn’t be on time he would call and give us the reason with a new time (so we wouldn’t worry about him). He was very dependable and very responsible in carrying this out. One Friday night, however, he was very late and we had received no phone call. His mother was up pacing the floor (I was sleeping). He did not get in until about 2-3 on Saturday morning. The next morning when he got up, I inquired about it and asked if we needed to adjust the agreement. His response was “No Dad, let me tell you why I couldn’t call. One of my friends had a gun and was talking about shooting himself and he wanted to talk to me. I knew that you would not want me to abandon him, so I stayed with him until I could get him to his home.” My response was “Thank you, I now understand and I applaud your choice. Your intentions of wanting to stay with our agreement and of helping your friend both let me know that you truly are the highly responsible young man that I have always thought you were. And, now I know that you can be a good and dependable friend too. Your buddies are lucky to have a friend like you.” Before you proceed with the above strategy, it is important for you to decide if the poor behavior was a mistake on their part based on what they thought was going on, or, was it an extraordinary or unexpected occurrence. If it was the latter, find the positive intention behind what they thought was going on and deliver the statement connecting the positive attribute to the positive intention. If it was a mistake, say something like, “We all make mistakes and we can learn from them so we won’t keep repeating the mistakes. How can you behave differently in the future?” Now find the positive intention behind the new behavior and their willingness to learn from their mistakes and connect positive attributes to them in your follow up comments. If the bad behavior is ongoing and repetitive (like not doing homework, or continually hitting little sister, etc.), you say something like the following: “That behavior is not representative of the kind of person that I think you are. I think you are the kind of person that (state several positive attributes). Am I mistaken?” When you get agreement, say, “Well, now that we agree on the kind of person you are, what behaviors would that kind of person engage in, in this situation.” When they give you some better behaviors, you can now connect the new behaviors to even more positive attributes. If you will now have them future pace the new behaviors and have them experience what it would be like to act like that in the future, it will go a long way toward helping them change their old behaviors. This particular situation really demands HIGH credibility on your part. They have got to care what you think and feel about them. Many times I will have students come in and negative attributes will have already been attached to certain behaviors. For example, parents will sometimes label their children as lazy or having a bad attitude or stupid because they are doing poorly in school. The way to unhook the negative attribute and attach positive attributes is as follows: Think of a counter example to the negative attribute that you can generate and then connect the counter example to a positive attribute. For example, let’s suppose the parent has just said that their child was not very bright, maybe even dumb. When I have the child spell a word backwards and he or she does it successfully, I will say “That lets me know that there is nothing wrong with your mind and you certainly are not dumb. Spelling that word backwards lets me know that I can teach you how to learn so that you can be as smart and successful in school as you want. In the past you haven’t been able to do well in school because our schools failed to teach you HOW to learn. You did the best you could but some of the learning strategies you tried just aren’t very efficient or effective. Now I am going to teach you HOW to learn.” Summary “What kind of person am I?” Because we human beings have this prevailing question going on in the back of our mind at all times, we are vulnerable to chance comments around us. If we have a strong self-esteem, we can filter these comments out, evaluate them, and discard them as invalid. However, when a person is young and still malleable, they cannot do this as easily. If we, the parents, teachers and other adults around them will intentionally mold self-esteems for the better of the young person by using these techniques, we can go a long ways toward making the world a better place. We will be positively affecting the lives of the young people around us. What a magnificent goal and vision for us to have. * Art work by Peter Maxx