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Introduction
These are examples of actual
quotes I have heard in my office and in my observance of life:
A parent said this to me in my
office in front of their child who they wanted me to work with “He’s not
doing his schoolwork and his grades are suffering! He is just plain lazy
and has a bad attitude! If he doesn’t straighten up, he is not going to
amount to anything!”
Coach to a five year old soccer
player “David you dummy!! I told you to kick it with your left foot. You’re
using your right foot! Can’t you do anything right?”
Parent to a child “We got
another notice from school today that you are not doing your assignments!
Why can’t you be like your sister? She always does everything right! She is
such a perfect daughter!”
Father to a fifth grade daughter
after receiving her report card of 5 As and one B “You made another B!! You
are not going to be able to get a good job if you don’t buckle down! I am
so disappointed in you. You will probably end up on welfare or I will have
to support you all your life.”
Parent to son after overhearing
him tell another student how well he did on a test “I heard you bragging to
Tim about the grade you made on your math test. I don’t want you singing
your own praises and telling everybody how good you are. You are supposed
to do math good. I am a math teacher and I taught you everything! It is not
about you being good.”
I don’t think the typical person
knows the devastating effect comments like the above can have on the self-esteem
of a child (or an adult for that matter). I am sure parents, coaches or
teachers have positive intention when they do this. They are probably
trying to help the child be better, but the effect is not what they want.
Over the years that I have worked with students and families, I have
noticed several ways that self-esteem can be torn down. They are as
follows:
Ways to Tear Down Self-esteem
A. Dwell on or even distort
negative attributes or behaviors. Call them clumsy when they spill
something, or make negative comments about their looks or grades. Really
elaborate and make sure they feel bad about it.
B. Do not pay any attention to positive behaviors or attributes. If they
bring a report card home with two As and two Cs, totally chew them out for
the Cs and don’t even mention the As.
C. Turn mistakes into personal failures on their part. Mistakes can be
easily corrected; failures go right to the identity and self-esteem. If
they make a bad grade or do poorly on a recital, the comment “If you don’t
do better, you will never amount to anything” can really hurt deeply for a
long time.
So, a bad grade means they are lazy or not making their bed means they are
irresponsible.
D. Point out another person’s positive qualities and their lack of the
same. “Why can’t you be an A student like your sister.”
E. Don’t allow them to do anything or to take responsibility and/or credit
for their positive progress or achievements. Accuse them of bragging if
they try to and chew them out for bragging.
How to Build Self-esteem
When I work with students using
my “Rediscover the Joy of Learning” processes, I sometimes have to repair
severely damaged self-images and self-esteems. Since so many of the
students of the world today have never been taught HOW to learn and HOW to
do the myriad academic tasks which the schools assign to them, they
sometimes do not do the tasks very well and their grades suffer. So does
their self-image and self-esteem. They tend to take it very personally and
assume that something is wrong with them because they cannot do the tasks.
So, even after I teach them how to learn, I still need ways to re-build
their self-esteem. This article is about the ways that I developed to do
just that. The techniques and processes do not have to be confined to
students; however, they will apply to individuals of all ages and all
levels in all environments.
First some definitions—my
dictionary defines self-esteem as “belief in oneself; self-respect.” It
defines self-image as “an individual’s conception of himself and his own
identity, abilities, worth, etc.” The dictionary also defines self-concept
as the same as self-image. So, the distinction is very fine. I probably use
self-esteem as the summation at the identity/belief level of all the
self-images an individual has about various aspects of him or her self.
In my opinion, our self-esteem
and self-image comes from getting an answer to the two questions “What kind
of person am I?” and, “What evidence do I have to support it?” The evidence
is what we sense in the world around us. It is what we see, hear, feel,
smell and taste about ourselves. We then assign meaning to the evidence in
the form of attributes, qualities or characteristics. The sum of these make
up our self-image. The meaning we assign to the summation is our self-esteem.
Different individuals will assign different attributes to the same
evidence. So, it is all about perception. The nice thing about perception,
especially for those of us who practice Neuro-Linguistic Programming or
NLP, is that it can be changed and formed.
The simplest way to positively
affect self-esteem is to notice when an individual does something very
well. You then think of an attribute of which the behavior is an example.
When you have one that you want to use, you say the following to the
individual: “That behavior lets me know that you are a (say attribute) kind
of person.” So, for example, let’s suppose that your child studied really
hard for a test and made 100%. The attribute could be chosen from many—hard
working, bright, smart, good student, etc. Let’s use hard working. The
statement would be: “That 100% on that test lets me know that you are a
hard working young man. Keep up the good work!”
The structure of the process and
language is as follows: 1) you are deliberately connecting the attribute of
your choice to evidence that the individual cannot dispute, and 2) you are
attaching your own credibility to the connection. If you will continue to
elaborate on the connection and talk about the importance of the attribute,
it will build the self-esteem even more. Be careful, however, to not go
overboard and be too effusive or the individual could be turned off.
Obviously, if you don’t have any credibility with the individual, then it
will not work.
One of the creative ways for
parents to use this is to think of the kind of son or daughter they want to
parent. Think in terms of the attributes you want them to embody. Then
notice when they do something to which those attributes can be connected
and deliver the statement. The behaviors can be minor or major. They can
also be behaviors that they DO NOT engage in. For example, “I have noticed
Chris that you do not do drugs even though they are available to you. That
lets me know that you are growing up to be very responsible for your own
behaviors and health and that you are not just going along with the crowd.
I am very proud of the way you make these responsible decisions.”
Don’t wait for major behaviors
before you do this process. It has power because of it’s precision. In
fact, sometimes the minor behaviors have more effect because the individual
has discounted them. When you make the connection, you are alerting them to
something they had not thought off and that always has a surprise effect
that adds to the emotional response. This is especially true for the
individuals that aren’t the stars—the home run hitters and/or the straight
A students. With the students with learning disabilities or other
deficiencies this can have a very powerful effect, because they rarely get
positive feedback. For example, I once had a teacher give me this report:
“I had a student with Downs Syndrome one time and decided to use this
process on him. After thinking about him for a while, it dawned on me that
he always came into my classroom with a big smile on his face and would
immediately come over to me and give me a big hug. The next time he came in
and did that, I said to him “You know Doug, I have noticed that you always
come in with a big smile and give me a hug. That lets me know that you are
a very happy and loving person and I really appreciate that about you. You
are very special to me.” The teacher reported that Doug puffed out his
chest and never quit smiling for the rest of the class. And, every time he
saw her in the future he would smile and give her the hug with the
realization that he was special to her.”
If you have trouble noticing
when they do something naturally that will allow you to make the statement,
create something for them to do and when they do it successfully, make the
statement. For example, I do this during my first visit with a new student.
In the course of my assessment, I have them spell words backwards (from
right to left). They usually have not tried this before and it is new to
them. When they are successful at it, I will make a comment like “That lets
me know that there is nothing wrong with your brain. I can make you a star
student by teaching you to do things with your mind. I can help you be the
kind of student you have always wanted to be.”
Another nice thing about this
process is it’s lasting effect. You don’t have to worry about doing it over
and over again. It tends to go straight to the heart and soul of the person
and sticks with them over time. The reason—you are creating a “personally
compelling reference experience” for them. The properties of a personally
compelling reference experience are as follows:
Properties of a Personally
Compelling Reference Experience
A. It relates to their concept of self.
B. It is given in the appropriate representational system.
C. It is given by an external reference with credibility.
D. It has intensity.
E. It is a surprise or a mismatch of the way they had thought about it
before—sometimes called a paradigm shift.
It
relates to their concept of self.
Obviously this point is there. You are deliberately making this connection
when you say, “That 100% on that test lets me know that you are a
hardworking young man.” Looking at it through the logical levels, you are
communicating to at least the Identity Level and you can, in the
elaboration, raise it to the Spiritual/Greater System Level. This would
make it even more compelling. An example of elaboration on the last example
would be: “Your mother, grandparents and even the teachers in your school
have commented before about how hardworking you are. They really seem to
appreciate that about you and tell me that it is a trait that will serve
you well in the future.”
It
is given in the appropriate representational system.
Since you are connecting the attribute to a full sensory experience that
they have just had, they have it represented in all representational
systems. They cannot deny that it did not occur if you are giving them
instant and specific feedback.
It
is given by an external reference with credibility.
You are the external reference and hopefully you have credibility. If in
the moment, you think you do not have credibility, wait until you get it
and the timing is right. It is too powerful an opportunity to lose. An
example might be if they are upset or angry about something else. Wait until
they calm down.
It
has intensity.
Intensity or emotional response is what makes it compelling enough to last.
You can build intensity in any or all of four ways: 1. Frequency—if you
don’t make another 100% on a test, for example, then the original experience
loses its intensity. 2. Repetition—the more they repeat something over
time, the better it will drop into long-term memory. 3. Duration—the longer
the moment or elaboration, the more the intensity. If it is a fleeting
comment, it doesn’t have as much of a chance to last. That is why the
elaboration is so important.
4. Strength—the more robust the emotional response, the more intense it
will be. This is how a phobia works and is an example of a one time
learning experience.
It
is a surprise or a mismatch of the way they had thought about it before.
This is the easiest way to build intensity. The more of a surprise it is,
the more it will shock them and make it compelling. You will get the
classic response of “Wow—I have never thought of it THAT way before.”
As stated previously, the
easiest way to build self-esteem is when the individual does something good
or positive. But, what do we do if somebody behaves poorly? Also, if
somebody has already had a negative attribute attached to a behavior. Is there
a way to disconnect the negative and connect a positive attribute? The
answer to both questions is yes.
Attribute
Behavior Intention
The diagram above will give a
more visual manner to demonstrate what we have been doing. When the
behavior is good, we simply connect the positive attribute to the good
behavior by using the statement. If, however, the behavior is not good, we
find the positive intention behind the behavior and attach the positive
attribute to the positive intention. So, for example, when my son was still
in high school, we had an agreement that he would come in on time on the
nights that he was out with his friends. Or, if he couldn’t be on time he
would call and give us the reason with a new time (so we wouldn’t worry
about him). He was very dependable and very responsible in carrying this
out. One Friday night, however, he was very late and we had received no
phone call. His mother was up pacing the floor (I was sleeping). He did not
get in until about 2-3 on Saturday morning. The next morning when he got
up, I inquired about it and asked if we needed to adjust the agreement. His
response was “No Dad, let me tell you why I couldn’t call. One of my
friends had a gun and was talking about shooting himself and he wanted to
talk to me. I knew that you would not want me to abandon him, so I stayed
with him until I could get him to his home.” My response was “Thank you, I
now understand and I applaud your choice. Your intentions of wanting to
stay with our agreement and of helping your friend both let me know that
you truly are the highly responsible young man that I have always thought
you were. And, now I know that you can be a good and dependable friend too.
Your buddies are lucky to have a friend like you.”
Before you proceed with the
above strategy, it is important for you to decide if the poor behavior was
a mistake on their part based on what they thought was going on, or, was it
an extraordinary or unexpected occurrence. If it was the latter, find the
positive intention behind what they thought was going on and deliver the
statement connecting the positive attribute to the positive intention. If
it was a mistake, say something like, “We all make mistakes and we can
learn from them so we won’t keep repeating the mistakes. How can you behave
differently in the future?” Now find the positive intention behind the new
behavior and their willingness to learn from their mistakes and connect
positive attributes to them in your follow up comments.
If the bad behavior is ongoing
and repetitive (like not doing homework, or continually hitting little
sister, etc.), you say something like the following: “That behavior is not
representative of the kind of person that I think you are. I think you are
the kind of person that (state several positive attributes). Am I
mistaken?” When you get agreement, say, “Well, now that we agree on the
kind of person you are, what behaviors would that kind of person engage in,
in this situation.” When they give you some better behaviors, you can now
connect the new behaviors to even more positive attributes. If you will now
have them future pace the new behaviors and have them experience what it
would be like to act like that in the future, it will go a long way toward
helping them change their old behaviors. This particular situation really
demands HIGH credibility on your part. They have got to care what you think
and feel about them.
Many times I will have students
come in and negative attributes will have already been attached to certain
behaviors. For example, parents will sometimes label their children as lazy
or having a bad attitude or stupid because they are doing poorly in school.
The way to unhook the negative attribute and attach positive attributes is
as follows: Think of a counter example to the negative attribute that you
can generate and then connect the counter example to a positive attribute.
For example, let’s suppose the parent has just said that their child was
not very bright, maybe even dumb. When I have the child spell a word
backwards and he or she does it successfully, I will say “That lets me know
that there is nothing wrong with your mind and you certainly are not dumb.
Spelling that word backwards lets me know that I can teach you how to learn
so that you can be as smart and successful in school as you want. In the
past you haven’t been able to do well in school because our schools failed
to teach you HOW to learn. You did the best you could but some of the
learning strategies you tried just aren’t very efficient or effective. Now
I am going to teach you HOW to learn.”
Summary
“What kind of person am I?”
Because we human beings have this prevailing question going on in the back
of our mind at all times, we are vulnerable to chance comments around us.
If we have a strong self-esteem, we can filter these comments out, evaluate
them, and discard them as invalid. However, when a person is young and
still malleable, they cannot do this as easily. If we, the parents,
teachers and other adults around them will intentionally mold self-esteems
for the better of the young person by using these techniques, we can go a
long ways toward making the world a better place. We will be positively
affecting the lives of the young people around us. What a magnificent goal
and vision for us to have.
* Art work by Peter Maxx
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